Live like it matters

If you’re reading this, just know that it wasn’t originally meant for you.

I’m using this space to speak to myself, and if it resonates with you, then great.

I’m caught in an endless loop of dissatisfaction. I get bored, I reach for my phone, feel guilty about reaching for my phone, work a little, and repeat.

I’m tired of this cycle. I’ve expressed this in other articles and in my journal, but I’m getting really exhausted with the life that I’m living.

There’s so much more that I know that I could be doing. I could be living a large portion of the kind of life that I want to live, but I actively choose not to. I could make a conscious decision to go to bed at a decent hour and wake up early like I’ve envisioned. But I don’t. Instead, I’m awake at 2:30 am, scrolling or watching another episode of my favorite show.

I can see the outworkings of this type of behavior in my daily life. I’m sluggish. Always tired. Never wanting to leave the house. It’s depressing, really. Without change, I’m slowly withering away into some sort of hermit that doesn’t go outside, doesn’t interface with people, and doesn’t live the life that I know that I want to live.

Deep in my gut, there’s a desire. It was alive and well at one point but has since been smothered. It never died, and I see it rear its head from time to time. But the most painful part of seeing that desire is that I alone was the one who smothered it. Shoved down deep by parts of me that want to wallow in this feeling. The parts of me that don’t think that I have the ability to carry out the actions that would fulfill that desire.

This desire is for a life that is lived fully. To be a man of discipline, order, ritual, passion, and capability. I have a vision of the life that I want to live. Every detail rigorously planned and perfected. A schedule that is followed meticulously. A routine that I stick to every day without variation. And I probably could have that life, or at least a big portion of it. There are a few things outside of my control that will always introduce a variable that I wasn’t accounting for, but largely, I know that if I changed my behavior, my discipline, and my current routines, I could live a life very closely aligned with my goals.

I suppose this is a wake-up call.

I know in my head that I could start becoming the man I want to be, to live the life that I want to live.

The only resistance to that becoming a reality is me. I alone stand in the way of my own desires. My bad habits, my addictions, and my mindset. They need to step down from their throne of dominion, and that part of me that I smothered will need to take its place.

I want to live my life with fire. With passion. With vigor.

I want to live like my life matters.

Because it does.

(Genesis 2:7)